Dishing The Soaps!

Hey that song’s the same song that was playing in Buffy when it was Depressing Night at the Bronze. At least I think that’s the song. I’m pretty sure it is. Well that is fitting actually since it was pretty sad all around. Pretty much everyone ends up miserable but hooray Carmel talked so much she got the charges dropped against her and her sister.

I’m just glad they had the McQueens around since it would have been pretty dreary for them. That dream Carmel had just reminded me of Passions and that fantasy that Beth had which made me yearn for that awesome soap. I like the out there stuff because face it soaps can get boring with the same old same old so it’s nice to have someone like Beth around that’s totally out of her gourd. That cop was an idiot but Carmel set him straight that she wasn’t a hooker although her choice of words did make you wonder. Don’t say hand job because the cop is sure to think you’re talking about something else and talking about your naked male customers who are always satisfied. But she did seem to like the lawyer Theo who came back to Hollyoaks with them. I think he was just surprised that the cop dropped the charges which I think had to do with wanting to shut Carmel up.

Since they didn’t get married since Tony was dropped off in the country naked at some farm the wedding was delayed so the girls along with Theo. Maybe he gave them a ride. They went to the wedding. Darren did try to stop it and how funny was it when Savannah tackled him? The minister was a hoot because he kept saying Butcherson. Who’s Butcherson? Jacqui got there but sadly Tony didn’t call off the wedding even though he admitted that he loved her. Oh yeah because it always goes so well when the husband’s in love with someone else. Just ask Ethan about that. 

Poor Mike gets the bad news and Zoe ends up comforting him. Lydia is lurking around so of course if you have a braincell in your head you know she’s up to no good. Of course she hid the knife that she used to cut the strap on the chute in the room that Zoe was staying in. She also gave some lame attempted rape story although if anyone was into it that would be Sarah since Zoe was the one saying no. Couldn’t that cop see how crazy Lydia is just by looking in those eyes and that crazy hair? She then ended up slitting her wrists in the shower and poor Zoe gets arrested for Sarah’s murder. Hopefully she’ll be cleared once they test the knife for prints and find Lydia’s since that girl wasn’t using gloves. I wonder if Lydia will survive. I guess she could always take Jake’s room since it looks like he’s coming back.

So Onion Girl whose name is Emma is more of a nut than an onion. Cindy found Dom tied up to the bed in something that I would think that Darren would wear. What was that leopard print panties? Oh my that was quite the image. Well hopefully the talk will go well and she won’t tie him up to the bed anymore? She just left him to go shopping or something so this chick is a bit off if you ask me. I guess I know my off people after all I’m probably a bit off myself. Always get permission before tying the guy up and untie him if you pop off to a shop for some snacks.

Hannah decides to stay with Jamie which I knew was a total mistake. Sure she had a good point when she asked Rhys if he would have stayed if Imogen asked him. Yes I discovered her name. Hell the way the Brits spell Rhys still baffles me. So how do they spell Reese’s Pieces? See that’s how you spell Reese not Rhys which just looks odd because it makes me wonder where the h and y came from since the only two letters that make sure are the r and the s. Imogen was a bit nuts since she was giggling over the gun until she realized it was loaded but luckily only the ceiling suffered permanent damage.

She finds the drugs because Jamie didn’t get rid of then. See I knew he was nothing but trouble. So she ends up leaving because she realizes that this guy is a loser. The dude let psycho Kev hold a gun to her head when he had the drugs so they were more important than her. Too bad she has such shit luck when it comes to guys. She’s right he’ll be in the same spot in ten years if he’s alive that is since he could very likely be dead instead. She hops on a bus and goes home. Wow that must have been a quick bus since she gets back just as Mike gets back so he ends up telling her. She had just sent a text to Sarah so of course I’m crying. Hey I’m not made out of stone and it’s sad.

I knew Cindy was lying. She didn’t change. What she changed in five seconds? Even her friend Savannah but it but I didn’t and she proved it when she said suckers which so didn’t surprise me. Tony made a huge mistake. Poor Carmel got disappointed when she found Theo going at it with Emma in the kitchen. I don’t think I’d ever eat there but I wouldn’t anyway since I’m picky and frankly the British eat some weird food. What is up with the bangs and mash? And why do you put beans on toast? Sounds like a good way to make things soggy. But at least Dom doesn’t have to worry about his manhood since it’s safe from Emma now.

I think Tony needs his head read because he’s nuts. He decides he wants to marry Cindy even after finding out that she had planned to con him. What the hell? If I was naked in a barn with a cow and other farm animals I’d be pissed not thinking all gooey thoughts about the person. Poor Darren doesn’t get the girl but hey things could be worse since he could have been beaten up by that little guy Eddie.

Oh Carmel how I love the girl but she just doesn’t think sometimes. She’s in the bar all dressed up talking about her business but of course every word out of her mouth makes her sound like a hooker. Is there a British word for that? She mentions hand jobs and of course it sounds like something else. This guy offers to pay her two hundred pounds which excites her so they go back to his motel room and oops it turns out he’s a cop but she was just going to give him a massage. This would be a lesson that maybe you should think before you say something to avoid a person getting the wrong impression.

Jacqui wants the pictures that jerk took of her but he claimed he got rid of them because the camera didn’t love her. She leaves which I found odd because that wasn’t very Jacqui. She’s the type of girl that doesn’t let anyone push her around. She does go back later and finds her pictures on the board. So don’t get drunk and strip for a photographer. Of course I was wondering about the negatives since just ripping them up won’t do anything unless you also have the negatives. She trashes the place so the cops are after her too. Can’t the poor McQueens get a break. Well at least Michael and Theresa got in some shopping.

Lydia continues to be all psycho. She chops some wood and I’m thinking she was imagining that she was splitting Zoe’s head open. After doing a little she loves me, she loves me not in the woods she decides to tamper with the parachute. And she wasn’t using a flower since she was slicing up her arms. She heard Zoe and Sarah talking about how she was going to wait to break things off with her. But there was a little snag in the plan when Sir Kingsley took the parachutes off their hooks which had the names on them. Oops she didn’t plan on that so now she has no idea which chute is which.

Zoe at first doesn’t want to go and Sarah won’t go without her. Lydia makes a feeble attempt to prevent them from going but they all end up going. She seemed pretty calm for someone that was about to commit murder. She just didn’t know who would get the bad chute. Hell there was the chance she’d end up with the chute herself. Personally I would have chosen that option if anyone bothered to listen to me. So they each jump out and the time comes to pull the cord and Zoe’s just fine so now Lydia’s wondering if she has the chute or if Sarah does since it’s just the three of them jumping.

Oh crap Sarah’s chute isn’t working so she crashes. I demand a reshoot with Lydia taking that dirt nap. Okay I’ll admit there might have been some tears. Hell the part with Lydia was actually funny. Did you see the look on her face and her hair? See not even the British soaps are safe from me mocking the hair although this would be the first I think. Poor Sarah I’m going to miss you. I wonder if Amy will finally come back for the funeral. Unfortunately Lydia didn’t commit suicide when it was revealed that Sarah had the tampered chute. It did look like she was thinking about it but nope she didn’t go through with it. I bet she’ll try to get back together with Charlotte the stupid cow.

Hannah and Jamie discover a bunch of drugs in the ice cream truck. I guess that’s a good place to hide them since you’re not going to think that the person driving it happens to be a drug dealer. Rhys comes back from wherever he was and talks to I think the dude’s name is Blue. He asks about Emma whatever and finds her with some other guy. Yes she earns her way on her back which upsets Rhys so there’s a fight and he gets all bloodied up.

Hannah called Rhys to warn him but Blue had his cell phone. He sent her a text and Hannah was so frazzled that it didn’t occur to her to wonder why he would be texting her instead of calling her. Since there’s so many drugs these guys want to find Jamie since he has the drugs and it turns out he owes them money. So they use Rhys to find out where Hannah is. Who knows what’s going on with him since it certainly isn’t good? They work over Jamie and demand the money and drugs back? Isn’t it in the truck or did Hannah have him flush the drugs?

I guess the appeal of Jamie wore off when she realized that he wanted to keep the drugs after all that would be a lot of money even if I don’t know how much money it would be in American or British money. Now Hannah’s on the beach with the beaten up Jamie. I wonder why they didn’t take the ice cream truck. I knew that guy was bad news. They really should have gone home with Josh since that whole thing could have been avoided.

Poor Dom! I knew something was up when that Onion Chick took off the morning after. When I saw that little guy I was thinking oh crap he’s marrying Onion Chick. Oh my she dressed up as Snow White complete with flying birds around her head. Of course they weren’t real birds since that’s just looking for trouble. Come on would you want to walk down the aisle with birds shitting on your head? So who was Eddie supposed to be Dopey or Happy? More like Grumpy when he heard that music playing. It was that song the dwarfs sing that heigh ho song. What is up with them calling out ho anyway? So poor Dom gets kicked by Eddie. Sure he’s pissed but come on dude it wasn’t really Dom’s fault since he didn’t know she was getting married. Well she isn’t now.

Lydia continues to show what a total nutter she is. Zoe decides to leave the two alone. They are finally getting closer to taking that jump out of the plane. They practiced landed and since Lydia got pissed that Sarah was talking to Zoe she fell and pretended to hurt her ankle. By now Zoe knows something is wrong with this chick. They end up getting drunk and I wonder where Stalkings went or Sir Kingsley or whatever the hell his name is.

Sarah starts a drinking game and Lydia goes storming off. They go off to find her with no luck and end up back in the tent. Sarah’s helping Zoe undress when she makes a move on her. This seems to be a theme with Sarah her making a move on Zoe when the two of them are drunk. Oops Lydia is watching outside. Where was she hiding anyway? Zoe doesn’t seem that into it but who knows she might by the next episode unless Lydia does something crazy. I wouldn’t put it past that girl. I wonder if they’ll even go skydiving and I’m still confused about the whole camping in the woods before skydiving.

Hannah’s having fun with Jamie and he asks her to stay with him. He takes off which isn’t a good sign but he’s off writing in the sand the message but someone changed it to Melvin whoever that is. Maybe he’s that pervy guy that likes to watch. Does he have a name or that other guy? She decides to stay which is a really bad idea. I knew he was trouble from the start. They do it in the ice cream truck which made me think of Xander and Anya although she called it a van. The ice cream part was the same but they call it a van while Americans call it a truck.

They are upstairs in his room I’d imagine. Hannah gets up and finds that chick Emma something or other lying on her stomach totally zonked out with this creepy dude standing over her pulling his pants up. This doesn’t look good at all so Hannah freaks out. The guy grabs her and implies that she’s going to be a sex slave like this girl or at least that’s the impression I got when I think it was Jamie although at first I was thinking it could have been Rhys since he should be around there somewhere. He hasn’t left yet so I wonder where he is. Hannah runs off and hides in the ice cream truck and they drive off. Just because he helped her out doesn’t mean I trust him.

It is supposed to be the wedding day but it’s pretty hard to have one when the groom is AWOL. Cindy isn’t happy at all. Dare I think she might actually care about Tony for real after all she isn’t the one that said she loved Darren although he did admit to loving her. Darren admits that he threw him on a truck and the guy dumped him somewhere. So they go off to find Tony. It turns out that he was dumped on a farm. He wakes up naked so there’s butt porn as in fleshy butt porn with the pigs. Darren is so getting castrated for that.

Poor Theresa finally got to see her Mum. My what a bitch she is. Who is she to talk about the McQueens. They’re looking out for her unlike Mommy of the year who wants to ditch Theresa the second she gets out of the joint. That was just so sad when she started singing while crying. I say she’s better off with Myra and the others because they give a crap unlike this chick. I wonder if Michaela will get something to eat. That’s quite a tight squeeze with the four of them in one bed.

Jacqui goes on that date with that photographer and color me not shocked to find out that he’s a perv. He ends up taking pictures of Jacqui who just so happens to be getting drunk. She’s miserable because Tony’s supposed to be getting married. Of course he didn’t but she doesn’t know that. She ends up stripping and he keeps snapping away. She so needs to kick his ass.

Hannah finds out that Jamie is a dealer and plans on leaving. She ends up not leaving and stays for just one more night. Josh isn’t thrilled either but hey I wouldn’t be either if someone threw piss on me. So he said farewell to Knobsville leaving Rhys and Hannah behind.

So they both stay and end up doing drugs. They did look like they were having fun and were all lovey dovey for each other. She then goes off to the beach with Jamie and while they’re having sex that pervy guy whose chicken whatevers that Rhys was eating was totally watching. See why it’s not a good idea to do something naked in public? Oh yeah he’s a great guy that just happens to be a drug dealer. And if you didn’t catch that I was being sarcastic.

Poor Gilly decides to get back at Fernando. I don’t blame him one bit because he’s kind of getting on my nerves too. He was up all early while the others were sleeping well except for Lydia who was giving the sleeping Zoe the stink eye the whole night. Man if looks could kill Zoe would be a goner. And that crazy Potato guy was banging on a pot to wake them up. Aren’t they just going skydiving? I have to admit that I’m a bit confused about that.

So Steph’s trying to help out Gilly not realizing that she’s the one he’s in love with. She offers to teach him some dance moves. Since Fernando revealed that he didn’t know how to swim Gilly decided to throw his stuff into the water. He didn’t check because Steph’s medication was in there. So that didn’t work out very well because they have to go back now. And Fernando thought it was Potatohead and kept using the word bullshit which set the weird dude off but they left  behind the three girls. I wonder where Gilly went. I guess he went with them.

Jacqui and Carmel were funny. They get to London and finally track Michaela and Theresa down. What was up with that donkey? Wow two grand is a lot of cash even though I don’t know the translations to dollars. They take them off to some place and Jacqui and Carmel squirt themselves with perfume. I guess they were feeling stinky or something. They then go out for a drink where this guy hits on Jacqui. She doesn’t even realize that since she’s still in love with Tony and bummed about him getting married. 

Nice questions to ask although I’m not sure if a guy would answer that he isn’t weird if he was weird and there are different types of weird since weird isn’t always a bad thing. And it would be a good if the guy isn’t gay since Jacqui’s a girl and single would be another good thing. I don’t think Carmel’s matchmaking is going to work. The guy does seem interesting though.

What was up with the brown, blue, and green stuff on the guys? Tony, Dom, and Darren are I guess having a bachelor’s party or whatever they call them in England so I guess they wanted a day at the spa. Tony got mad at Dom for calling him an onion and for speaking up about him not really being in love with Cindy. That’s totally true and there’s nothing wrong with being an onion.

Dom did meet a chick at the bar who liked the onion thing and got it. Tony wanted to  be coffee or wine. So does that mean I’m chicken? They end up getting it on in the bar and later go to I’m assuming his room. Since Dom’s fired from being best man Darren gets the job instead. I knew it wouldn’t end well with him. He got some chick to come and give her panties and bra which they dressed Tony up in and tossed him into a truck. Oh yes good call having Darren be the best man.

Savannah’s trouble since she found Cindy’s phone with a text from Darren so she took a cue from Brooke and sent him a few texts and found out that he’s in love with Cindy and of course about the scam. She wants twenty thousand dollars. I wonder what she’ll do if she doesn’t get the money. Hopefully Tony will smarten up and leave her at the altar but I kind of doubt it. He should get back together with Jacqui since he loves her unlike Cindy who might be fun but she’s also big trouble.

Eew that sleazy guy Jamie and what’s her name thought Hannah was there with two guys. I guess they weren’t listening because she did mention the brother word or maybe they just weren’t paying attention too busy thinking how they’d score. Would it have been more of a challenge if she was there with two guys she was doing? And I’m thinking that dude is a dealer.

Rhys of course is being a jackass. Why couldn’t they just wait for her so she didn’t have to go looking for them? So I don’t blame her for yelling at them. I’m thinking it might not be the best idea to go off to a music festival with your brothers without someone else around at least. I’m sure the girls dancing in their bikinis have their issues too.

Michaela and Theresa go to London so she can go to that modeling agency. She also wanted to visit her Mum. Can someone please explain to me why they spell it with a u? That receptionist was amusing and she had some wild hair. I’d be cranky too if I was deprived of chocolate. Shouldn’t they have had a place to stay before going there? Also it really isn’t a good idea to give money to someone begging for it especially when you don’t really have the money to do it.

I’m just glad the McQueens are on because there can never be too many McQueens around. I have no idea what happened but it looks like they were a pound short at the B&B so Michaela had them go back to the guy that Theresa gave the pound to. It didn’t go well and a phone was killed in the scuffle which of course worried Carmel who was on the phone at the time and heard what happened. Yes phones stop working once they’ve been smashed. They are just kooky that way. They end up staying in the bathroom of some place. Poor Theresa didn’t get to see her Mum. 

I knew Jacqui was still in love with Tony. I don’t understand why he’s getting married to Cindy either. He was basically tricked into marrying her. He doesn’t even love her. Sure he might have fun with her but there’s nothing there and Cindy is out to con him. I didn’t know that prenups aren’t valid in England. See TV can teach you something. Of course Cindy would know about that. It was a test Tony gave Cindy which shows right off that he shouldn’t be marrying her if he needs to give her that sort of test.

Jacqui ends up getting into a fight with Cindy but it comes to a halt when some crazy chick and she looks familiar ends up hitting her on the ass with a trash can cover maybe and she ends up in the fountain. She tells Tony that she still loves him. Sadly Carmel came in because she was worried about Michaela and Theresa getting attacked. That brought the conversation to a close since Jacqui had to go. If Tony didn’t care he wouldn’t have loaned her the money so she could look for Max. And if anyone knows a con it would be a McQueen. In Jacqui’s case she actually loves him unlike Cindy who loves his money.

Savannah is certainly interesting. She must have really good boobs since they certainly groped them enough. Cindy joined in. Hell I was wondering if they’d ask Tony to feel them too since Darren and Cindy enjoyed feeling them. So Darren’s going to the wedding with Savannah who declared herself a bridesmaid. Um isn’t the bride to be supposed to ask the person to be the bridesmaid? 

I’m just wondering why Fernando jumped to the conclusion that Gilly was in love with Sarah. I guess he has goggles on that doesn’t allow him to see the truth that he’s actually smitten with Steph. I wish Steph would give him a shot since I really don’t think there’s a future with Fernando. Sure they’re having fun right now but I don’t think he’s really over his wife and if he ever really got together with someone wouldn’t it be Zoe since she’s a dead ringer for his dead wife Pilar?

Well I guess I won’t do skydiving in England if there’s a creepy guy like that talking about potato peeling duty. Why do you need to camp out before jumping out of the plane? He’s certainly tall and those are some nice socks Stalking or whatever the hell your name is. I think he wants to be a Sargent or maybe he was one and just forgot that he isn’t one any longer. And why would they peel potatoes anyway? Maybe they jump out of the plane with them. You could throw them at people on the way down. Oh wait that probably isn’t good because you could probably kill someone with a potato although it does sound funny.

Lydia is just nuts but that’s no big surprise. It turns out that she was very likely in the nuthouse and there was a suicide attempt after Charlotte broke up with her. I think Charlotte feels sorry for her but come on she has to know how crazy this chick is and talking about cutting their throats really doesn’t sound good either. She decides to go find them which she does. She jumps to a conclusion that in no way resembles reality. Gilly’s telling a story and she accuses Sarah of being all over Zoe.

Maybe I’m not seeing things clearly because they weren’t even touching each other. They were sitting next to each other listening to the story. Instead of saying, “What are you doing her?” Gilly instead says, “Good one Lyd.” Umm isn’t he along with the others wondering why she’s there. I know it’s because she’s all kinds of crazy but someone else should be wondering. And Steph is asking to sleep in the boys tent since she doesn’t want to have to sleep in the tent with the other girls. Does she think they’ll try to convert her or something? Sleep with one eye open Zoe because this crazy pixie is out for blood.